Second Journey Integration - Download 1 (Safety and Fear)
I took in a lot of fear to this journey. And I was gifted to take quite a bit out as well. In short, the entire experience it was deeply unsettling for me.
The morning after my second journey I was already aware of powerful vibrations that occasionally swept through me. They reminded me of early warnings I would receive before going into, or stopping just short of, a panic attack. Needless to say, these feelings were not welcome and I dreaded what they might mean. I tried to make peace with them, but they were ominous and reminded me of a time when I was continually panicky and felt like I was in a battle just to remain calm and carry on.
At integration, I had no space to recieve others journeys and instead got tangled up in their energies and shares. I made it home safe and wondered for the first time if maybe I had gone too far already. I searched for answers. I hoped it was just my serotonin levels and got 5Htp. However, as the evening wore on, I started to feel like the worst was over and maybe this was all in service of something.
I woke up on Journey+2 and everything felt different. I felt spacious, I felt like I could hold any fears that came up in myself or others. I felt intensely grounded and deeply masculine. I started to wonder if the day before was what being feminine felt like and was an offering for me to understand a different way of being. And then I received some downloads in short succession:
I am never going to fully eradicate fear and feeling unsafe. If that is my goal it seems unlikely.
If I feel safe and secure 23 hours 59 min and 40 seconds a day, then is it really that terrible if I get an unsettling vibration ocassionally?
These vibrations of fear are showing me that I feel unsafe about something and are an amazing opportunity to check in. They are in service to me.
As is the power of these journeys, new seeds were sown and a new relationship was formed to safety and fear. One of those feelings that I used to hide from and avoid, became another counsel to me. A new trusted advisor at the table was welcomed and whose opinion deserves to be voiced but not always ceded to.
As the day wore on, I saw that everything in life is in relation to safety. If we don’t feel safe then we close our hearts, we have less energy, and we have less to offer. I began to see so many of my interactions in relation to this point and felt forgiveness for past behaviors towards me, knowing that the other was just scared when they made the choices that they did.
I don’t mean to reduce the world and actions to be solely about safety. But it has become apparent just how important of a driver safety is for a person to flourish. It feels as if it is the price of admission to a beautiful existence.
To wrap it up, I deeply feel like when other people appear to me as selfish, I now see it as fear that they aren’t going to be safe if the outcome doesn’t go the way they are making it. I have even begun to relate to death differently, realizing that if I am safe in it then there is little to be afraid of. Now I know that is just starting to shake loose a few pebbles from one of my largest blockages, but it certainly is a start. I can feel more space coming to deal with those hard feelings and more compassion for others when they make choices that don’t feel loving. As will be discussed in other downloads, that doesn’t mean I am yet in a place to embrace them for it, far from it, but I do know that this is part of my journey towards something stronger.
